Character names in red are major; entries preceded by an * were added or updated in the last week.
- James Orin Incandenza: Filmmaker, founder of the Enfield Tennis Academy, committed suicide by putting his head in a microwave over. Nicknames include Himself, The Mad Stork, and The Sad Stork.
- Avril Incandenza (née Mondragon): Jame’s Widow, heavily involved in the running of E.T.A., affiliated with the Militant Grammarians. Nickname: The Moms.
- Hal Incandenza: The youngest of the three Incandenza children. One of the novel’s protagonists.
- Mario Incandenza: The middle child. Born with deformities; also a filmmaker (like his father).
- Orin Incandenza: The elder Incandenza. A punter for the Arizona Cardinals, serial womanizer, and cockroach killer.
- Charles Tavis: The head of E.T.A. since James Incandenza’s death. Avril’s half- or adoptive brother.
The Enfield Tennis Academy
- Michael Pemulis: Hal’s best friend; prankster, drug dealer, undisputed Eschaton champion, and not destine for The Show.
- John “No Relation” Wayne: The top-ranked player at ETA. John Wayne was discovered by James Incandenza during interviews of men named John Wayne for a film.
- * Eric Clipperton: Student who “won” his tennis matches by threatening to kill himself if he lost.
- Other Prominent E.T.A. Students: Ortho “The Darkness” Stice, Jim Troelsch, Trevor (“The Axhandle”) Axford, Ann Kittenplan, Ted Schacht, LaMont Chu, U.S.S. Millicent Kent (tried to seduce Mario!).
- * Gerhardt Schtitt: E.T.A.’s Head Coach and Athletic Director. Septuagenarian; has fascists tendencies; friend to Mario.
- * Dr. Dolores Rusk: Staff counselor at E.T.A. who, in councilling sessions, just rephrases as a question the last thing said by the patient.
- * Lateral Alice Moore: Member of the E.T.A. administrative staff.
- * Other Prominent E.T.A. Staff: Cantrell.
- Lyle: Sweat-licking guru who lives in the E.T.A. weight room and dispenses advice.
The Ennet House Drug and Alcohol Recovery House
- Don Gately: Former thief and Demerol addict, now counselor in residence at the Ennet House.
- Joelle Van Dyne (a.k.a “Madame Psychosis and P.G.O.A.T, The Prettiest Girl of All Time”): Radio talkshow host; former lover to Orin, starred in many of James Incandenza films; wears a veil.
- Kate Gompert: A cannabinoid addict who suffers from extreme unipolar depression.
- Pat Montesian: The Ennet House manager.
- Ken Erdedy: A cannabinoid addict.
- Bruce Green: Ex-husband of Mildred Bonk-Green.
- Tiny Ewell A lawyer with dwarfism who is obsessed with tattoos.
- Other Prominent Ennet House residents: Randy Lenz, Geoffrey Day, Emil Minty.
Steeply & Marathe
- Hugh Steeply (a.k.a. Helen Steeply): Agent for the Office of Unspecified Services; currently in disguise as a female reporter profiling Orin.
- Remy Marathe: Member of the Wheelchair Assassins (separatists) and quadruple-agent who secretly talks to Hugh Steeply.
- M. Fortier: Marathe’s superior in the .
- * Johnny Gentle, Famous Crooner: Former singer, now leader of the Clean U.S. Party (CUSP) and President of the United States. Responsible for O.N.A.N., the Great Con(cav|vex)ity, and subsitized time. Germaphobe.
- * Rodney P. Tine: Chief of the Office of Unspecified Services Chief, and part of (or adviser to) the Gentle administration.
- Poor Tony Krause (P.T. Krause): Almost killed by Drano-spiked heroin, accidentally steals a woman’s artificial heart, has a seizure while in withdrawal.
- * Stavros Lobokulas: Gately’s partner in cleaning the Shattuck Shelter.